i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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