im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize