I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
