He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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