i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
