she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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