You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
