I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
