im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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