no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
