i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
