Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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