NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
