rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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