Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
