woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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