when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
