so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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