I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
