I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
