I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
