We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
there is puke in my bra ... again
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
