Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
