I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
