I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
