this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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