I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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