how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize