I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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