why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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