I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
