Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize