Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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