I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
