grandma shit on top of the toilet
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
