i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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