Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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