did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
