A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
