my phone needs a breathalizer
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
