your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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