The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
