sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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