i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
