It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize