Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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