just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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