Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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