what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize