i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize