You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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