Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
