i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
