Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My balls are so social today.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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